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Portuguese Jokes

A Portuguese man, sightseeing in Brazil, asks a Brazilian:
- Which bus should I take to get to Maracanã?
- Bus number 48.
Three hours later, the Brazilian finishes work and finds the Portuguese still at the bus stop, and asks:
- What are you still doing here?
- Oh!!! So far, only the 39 has passed!

The Portuguese went to the doctor and complained of severe stomach pain:
- I think it was the oysters I ate yesterday.
- Were they fresh? – asked the doctor.
- Well... I'm not sure.
- But when you opened the shells, what color were they?
- Oh! Doctor, did I have to open the shells?!...

A Japanese man was standing in front of an aquarium, telling the fish:
Fish, come to the right. Fish, come to the left. And the fish obeyed.
The Portuguese, seeing this, was outraged and asked the Japanese man:
- How do you do that?
The superior mind controls the inferior one.
So the Japanese man left, and the Portuguese kept trying to do the same. Ten minutes later, the Japanese man comes back and asks the Portuguese:
- So, did you manage it?
- Blu blu blu blu.

It’s three in the morning, a deserted street, and complete silence. Two burglars – one Brazilian and one Portuguese – break into a mansion to do a “clean-up.” They’re inside, grabbing everything they can, when the Brazilian bumps into a table.
Someone in the bedroom wakes up and shouts from upstairs:
- Who’s there?
The Brazilian, very quick on his feet, perfectly imitates a cat:
- Meeeeow…
The homeowner is convinced and goes back to sleep. The two of them are getting ready to leave when the Portuguese trips and crashes headfirst into a glass cabinet, making a huge noise.
- Who’s there? – shouts the homeowner again, now with a gun in hand.
It’s another cat!

There was a Brazilian, a Japanese, and a Portuguese in a place surrounded by an abyss. The Brazilian tripped over something, and it turned out to be a magic lamp. He rubbed it, and the genie appeared and said:
- Each of you will have the right to make one wish to get out of here.
So, the Japanese ran up and shouted:
- Eagle!
And he flew away. Then the Brazilian went and shouted:
- Seagull! And he flew away. Then it was the Portuguese’s turn. He ran, tripped over a rock, and shouted:
- Crap!

The Portuguese man sees a Coca-Cola machine and is amazed. He puts in one coin, and a can falls out. He puts in two coins, and two cans fall out. He puts in ten coins, and ten cans fall out. Then, he goes to the cashier and asks for 50 coins.
The cashier says:
- Sir, at this rate, you’re going to use up all my coins.
The Portuguese replies:
- It doesn’t matter, I won’t stop as long as I’m winning!

he Portuguese man was driving on the road when he saw a sign that said: "SLOW DOWN, BUMP AHEAD."
So, the Portuguese man accelerated, stepped on the gas, flew over the speed bump, and broke the car’s suspension. Annoyed, he said:
- Oh, damn! I don’t understand! Going fast also breaks it!

The Portuguese man locked his car with the key inside. What a problem, and the worst part was that the window was rolled up. What now? Manuel stood there scratching his head when Joaquina gave a suggestion:
— Manuel, take a wire and slide it over the window! Go on, do like everyone else does in these situations.
Manuel decided to follow the advice, grabbed a wire, and began fiddling with the lock, trying to "fish" with a hook in the door. Joaquina was shouting:
— To the left! To the right! Down! Just a bit! Now, Manuel, you can pull!
Manuel pulled, managed to unlock the door, and opened it. Relieved, Joaquina sighed and said:
— Thank God you opened the door! I couldn’t stand the heat inside your car, Manuel!!!

The Portuguese man was sick and went to the doctor. The doctor placed the stethoscope on his back and ordered:
— Mr. Manoel, say "thirty-three" three times!
And the Portuguese man remained silent. The doctor ordered again:
— Say "thirty-three" three times!
Still, the man said nothing. The doctor got irritated and said:
— Come on, Mr. Manoel! Say "thirty-three" three times!
Mr. Manoel, making a huge effort, finally replied:
— Ninety-nine... phew...

Manuel goes to the pharmacy and asks for 50 mothballs to kill cockroaches:
- Hi, do you have 50 mothballs?
After half an hour, he comes back:
- Hi again, do you have another 50 mothballs?
Another half hour passes:
- Do you have any more?
The pharmacist, now frustrated, decides to ask:
- Why are you buying so many mothballs?
Manuel replies:
- It’s to kill cockroaches, but I keep missing them, they’re too fast!

We are two thousand meters up. Your equipment has been thoroughly checked. You’ll jump through that door. When you pull the first cord, the parachute will open. If it doesn’t, which is highly unlikely, pull the second cord.
If the parachute still doesn’t open, which is extremely improbable, pull the third cord and it will open. Down below, there will be a jeep waiting to take you back to the base.
Manuel jumps. He pulls the first cord, and the parachute doesn’t open. He pulls the second, nothing. He pulls the third, and still, the equipment doesn’t work. He starts getting worried:
- Oh, Jesus! Now all that’s left is for the jeep not to be down there!

Joaquim hitched a ride with a man in Goiânia. After a few hours of driving, the driver asked:
— Joaquim, open the glove compartment and get the road map.
The Portuguese man, after noticing there were no gloves in the glove compartment, grabs the map.
— Tell me, how much longer until we get to Anápolis?
— Let me see… It’s about four centimeters!

On an island, there was a Portuguese man, a Uruguayan, and an Argentine. The Portuguese man, while walking, trips over something — it was a magic lamp.
He rubs it, and a genie comes out, saying:
— You each get one wish.
The Uruguayan goes first:
— I want to leave this island and have lots of money! — and PLIM, his wish is granted, and he falls into a sea of money.
Next, the Argentine says:
— I want lots of beer and lots of women! — and PLIM, his wish is granted, and he falls into a barrel of beer.
Finally, it’s the Portuguese man’s turn:
— Jesus, I’m feeling so lonely! Bring those two back!

A Brazilian asked the Portuguese man:
— What time is it?
The Portuguese man replied:
— Ten o'clock.
The Brazilian said:
— But you told me that five minutes ago!
And the Portuguese man responded:
— Well, I’m not obligated to set my watch ahead!

Once, a Portuguese man said to another:
-You know, these Brazilians keep saying that we’re dumb.
- It’s true. Can you believe they stack house upon house to try to reach the sky?
- No way!
- Yes, and when they realize they can’t, they put a sign in front saying: 'EDIFICULT'."

Manuel had a cousin who had been suffering from a peculiar problem for years. Every time he took a sip of coffee, he felt a sharp pain in his left eye. No remedy could cure him. And he loved coffee! Until one day, a doctor who was a family friend advised him:
- Oh, Joaquim! Why don’t you try taking the spoon out of the cup?"

- Oh, Maria, I'm dying of exhaustion... I ran after the bus, and even though I never caught it, I ended up getting here… My consolation is that I saved twenty cruzados…
- But Manuel, you’re such a fool! Why didn’t you run after a taxi instead?
You would have saved much more!"

A group of friends was gathered to celebrate the golden wedding anniversary of the couple Manuel and Maria when one of the guests started telling a joke:
- So the Portuguese...
He was quickly interrupted by the others:
- Don't tell that one, there are plenty of Portuguese here at the party!
- No problem, I'll repeat it until they understand...

In Lisbon, after a fire in a small building, the firefighters, checking the debris, find only one dead person. It’s Manuel’s grandfather, who is upside down, with his index finger pointing to one corner of the room. Next to him, a fire extinguisher, with the following instruction:
"In case of fire, turn upside down and point at the flame."

- Do you admit to being guilty? – asks the judge to the Portuguese man.
- No, Your Honor.
- Do you have an alibi?
- What is an alibi?
- Well, someone who saw you commit the act?
- No one, thank God!

On a deserted street, a thief approaches a Portuguese man and says:
- Stop!
- Odd!
- But I'm robbing you!
- Ah, then I won't play anymore!

Maria and Manuel left home late to watch the football game at the stadium because Maria took too long to get ready. When they arrived, he asked:
What's the score?
- Zero to zero.
And Maria said:
- See? We arrived on time!

At the airport, Maria says to her husband:
I know we missed the flight. But it was only by a few minutes, Manuel. If you hadn’t been rushing me, we would’ve arrived later and wouldn’t have to wait so long for the next flight!

Commander Manuel! I see a troop heading directly to our fort!
– Are they friends or enemies, sentry Joaquim?
– Well, I think they’re friends. They’re all coming together...